For all the Frazelled Mothers

Contemplating marriage and bring up children after being told I was just full of frills on my puffed up fairy life and that I had no understanding of reality (I took this as a compliment I have to say) I watched the Richard Dimbleby Lectures given by Michael Morpugo (my hero of gentle thought) and was inspired. His ‘The Butterfly Lion’ gave me faith in how I look at things and as soon as I can I’m going to buy ‘The Kites are Flying’ that he based his lecture around. His books are written for children but defiantly have adults in mind.

            Well I woke up grumpy one morning this week and by hook or by crook I want to stay grumpy. I deserved at least that, don’t I? I have a right to be how I feel, don’t I?? I feel surly and cantankerous, wizened and old and life-just don’t ever play fair!! My children said this is because I’m not getting what I want! ‘You receive as a parent’ I told them in that surly tone I have when frazzled, ‘that what you gave as a child!!!! So be careful’ I warned them. With a backward glance one of them in a quiet voice and under their breath replied ‘well you should know’ Anyhow it’s not as though I’m asking for the impossible, or am I? All I want is five minutes peace. But there again it is the summer holidays when mothers turn into entertainers extraordinaire, adding to their many talents.

            But my fairy just won’t let me be, she fly’s around my thoughts and always lands at some point as a smile upon my face. You might say this is a good thing, that being grumpy is a bad thing to be but sometimes you need to vent and people definitely need to know you also have limits but The Fairy just don’t see it that way. My fairy is a beautiful flight of fancy with frills with a puffed up attitude to life, you just have to read some of my poems and stories to see that. She sees life in such a fanciful way with no basis in reality or that’s what I was told the other day. Is this true? If you read carefuly there is a large dose of reality in her fluff and frills? Those trappings only make the bitter pill of life a little easier to swallow.

            So what was making me grumpy and why on earth did I want to stay in that state? Do you know, I can’t remember, so lost was I in another flight of fancy of Michael Morpurgo words. A man who has seen at first hand the devastation humans can do to one another and yet humanity still survives and love carries on. If he can see the beauty that can be had, surely I can!

            There are people right now starving, hiding from danger watching as others suffer so the rich can thrive. There will be many; who will be given bad news about a disease which will not be cured. Some will be harmed through another’s hand. All these things have touched me, indirectly or directly.

            For all of you out there that face these issues I pay homage to your tenacity to smile and your ability to hope. This is why my fairy wears her frills and fluffed up undergarments so she can fly through your thoughts and land on your face as a smile x

 I have no right to be grumpy, do I?

May she fly around your thoughts and land as a smile

 www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p00fgfl8
Have put this link in but unsure if it will work as I have never done this before. Also added it as a link, hoping one or the other will work :-) It is well worth a look x

Now off to read the Butterfly Lion to Angus

Thurning Feast is A pagan feast to be proud of

Who in their wisdom ruffled the fairies frilly undergarments?

Who in their right mind dared to clip her wings and rain on her parade?

Who would want to be so cruel? Who would not want to let the beauty that is held within out to let it shine for the entire world to see?

Life that’s who!!!!

Don’t you just love life??

Her frilly undergarments were ruffled by the constant change of family life. Of arrangements never adhered to and others needs put before the fairies. Well it’s her own fault as she is a very good facilitator. I fear the crumpled up silk may never recover to its former glory the lace has no chance.  

Her wings were clipped by the radiator bottle springing a leak that turned into a waterfall with no movement allowed at all!!! So no Thurning Feast for this little fairy.

She will just have to stay at home and dream of Pimm’s, paella and friends

Last Year I stood up and Did a little Tilly Moment and Here it is in Part

Now that I live in Suffolk, I have to cross the fens to get here and as I bypass through Cambridge I take a beep breathe of the rich peat earth which fills my senses and awakens the excitement of my youth. Last year Thurning feast fell on the first weekend of the school holiday, so I was in a relaxed and open to the holiday spirit. The excitement of youth and the holiday spirit can be a lethal combination.

When I got here, I came through the front of the village hall entrance and as I passed from bear hug to bear hug with kisses of greeting a strewn in my wake. My eyes feasted on the sights and the sounds of my childhood. The aromas of the home grown and cooked food took me back to its pagan feast roots. The old fashioned cake stall with a rustic twist, beckoned me to stay for a while. With carpet and welsh dressers to make you feel as if you have just popped into visit friends for a chat. But meeting and greeting didn’t allow me time to linger and as I finally came up to the line of twenty different barrels of brewed hops their inviting perfumes danced tantalising around me; akin to a snake out of a charmer’s basket I was determined to partake in the sweet nectar. I breathed deeply in so the hypnotic essence of honey, wheat and elder flower took over my senses and left me dishevelled with choice.  Before I could make my decision I met my Uncle Derek’s eyes and I knew that the evening was going to take a Thurning twist.

‘Great Tina, just the person I wanted to see, the drums in the shed’ his enthusiasm was undeniable. A drum, whoops a daisy I had forgotten to warn my son about the drum. Well to be fair nothing had been definite, no rehearsals organised and no songs mentioned so I thought that the Skiffle Band idea had been put on hold for another year. How’s so ever Axl (my son) does take his music a little too seriously and his initiation onto the ‘Derek way of things was well over due I thought so pushed him forward to partake in the merriment.

We dually went off to the shed to find the one and a half drum sticks and the snare drum that were the only equipment we could salvage. We improvised with a pair of castanets for symbols and a tambourine, not sure what to do with the tambourine but best take it I thought; I had to laugh, as Axl looked at me as though the world had suddenly just gone mad. His eyes finally took shape again during the rehearsal. As they practiced packed into a little shed like sardines in a tin, behind the stage, the band; which consisted of two guitars (one played by Uncle Derek), violin, trumpet, saxophone, drum with castanets and tambourine, and builders base; made up from a tea chest with a beautifully crafted hole that had a gramophone flute to magnify its sound, a plank of wood for the neck holding the guitar strings like a proper base, with a trowel on top expertly played by Jason Capp who is a builder of some repute.

The singer was exceptional, holding them all together well. As they got to know each other and tune their instruments to perfection, I took a cup of beer and I do mean a tea cup, from the barrel that had been laid on for the entertainers. Well I reasoned it’s not easy watching your child go out to perform on stage in-front of a large crowed so I had to steady my nerves.

I had to smile as I sipped and took in the construction of the stage, with a mound of earth to give the stage its desired height, while scaffold poles and planks made the stage itself. Old curtains (which I’m sure had been taken from windows near and far) with odd bits of heavy material, giving a fine and rustic elegance to the back drop. It was then, that I felt my uncle’s strong hand in the middle of my back, propelling me up to the stage. ‘Now Tina, you know the words’ and I knew it didn’t matter if I did or not, I was now the newest recruit in the just formed skiffle band. I didn’t put up a fight; after all I had just put my son forward for the experience telling him to live life to the full and stop taking himself too seriously.

But unfortunately the frustrated singer in me was unleashed; I hasten to add without a mike- (though my daughter recons that I could still be heard and it was embarrassing) and my son and I in public for the first time gave it our all. Each one of us on that stage, enjoying the experience possibly more than the now dancing and raving crowed. We ‘strutted our stuff’ to songs like ‘Great Balls of fire’ and ‘Jail House Rock’. Sadly, and I hope to the crowds disappointment, it all came to an end too soon.

As the saxophonist came off the stage, he uttered ‘Traumatised’ with a grin as wide as Niagara Falls and a spring in his step. We looked at each other, my son and I, we both understood what he meant. We also knew we would all be back to do it again next year, if they would have us, as we had been captured by the Derek spirit and the ‘Thurning Feat Skiffle Band ‘bug.

One moment can change everything

Here are series of short stories about one event. These are dedicated to a very special man, my uncle Pete. He was raucously funny and had the best bear hug imaginable and I miss him still x He once gave me a huge compliment. He told me I never changed, that I always had a smile somewhere inside just waiting to erupt even when I was angry.

I got this idea when my uncle was knocked down and killed. It was an accident and all those concerned couldn’t make sense of it at first. We still can’t. It has affected us most profoundly and always will, with its far reaching tentacles.

            Soon after I began to wonder why we do things, that is to say send our children to school or work hard and never spend time enjoying life. I came up with no real answers just open thoughts really, a see-saw of life’s off beat balance.

            I will post these little stories at the top of the page so if it’s the first time you have read these start at the bottom and work your way back to the top. If you have been to this before welcome back and I hope eventually you will see the smiles.

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The Beauty of Her

It was the most beautiful face I have ever seen, not in the glamour model sense of beauty but of the kind that lasts, an inner quality that you would never grow tired of looking at so deep was its richness. Serenity oozed out of those eyes that held my gaze and would not let it go. She always had a smile that you envied, one that enjoyed life’s simple pleasures that most of us never achieve, someone who would take time out of her day to brighten up yours.

Unwittingly she came between my wife and me; she crept through my thoughts as a ghostly wisp, a thread of silk that held a belief in me that my wife could never share. For my wife had gained the material things that we had dreamed about and instead of enjoying the benefits she had relentlessly pursued the next must have dream. She wore me out.

I always tried to cross Rachel’s path in the mornings to get my daily fix of her but that morning I was too late. I tried to bump into her in the car park but she wasn’t parked in her usual spot and time was running out. I had an important meeting to get to and wanted to put together a few last thoughts. I knew they would consolidate all we had to offer our client, making it hard to turn the deal down. As I drove this familiar road I saw a harassed mother with a buggy, a dog on a lead and a little one on a bike. Unsteadily they came around the bend and down the hill. I knew instinctively what was about to happen and swerved just in time as the little one fell at an awkward part of the road, right into my path. Relief shuddered through me as my evasive action saved a young life. I looked in my mirror to see the mother who now was tied up by the dog, the buggy tipping while franticly trying to retrieve the bike and child. When the most horrendous jolt spun my head in time to see the face I loved for so long crumple.

I was out of the car and at her side within seconds. Aware of people around me shouting and swearing one was on her mobile explaining the scene. I held this most precious life as it escaped its bodily cage and drifted around with an atmosphere of calm, as deep inside me, carnage warred. Not taking in what was reality; I looked for any signs of hope and took her hand that held a hair. For some reason that held my attention and its one thing I will keep inside of me.

            For the first and last time I held her close and as her warmth seeped out, a gust of wind blew the hair as though it was her wisp of life. It took off hitting a ray of sunlight swirling on a thermal ever higher, stopping time and when no longer I could see it, reality came crashing down.

            My flash backs are relentless, the image of the child crying looking for its mothers comfort and that singular hair making its assent to the great unknown. To have saved the child I had killed my love.

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It was just one hair; she had just ran her fingers through her long glittery soft ringlets and one single hair danced on the breath of the breeze as joyfully as its owner went about her life. Time had not yet matured her out look on it and fun was the only thing time should fulfil, it landed back on the seat it’s donator had departed from as though to take her place. I refrained from lifting it gently up and letting it free to explore the out-side world alone. As I privately shook my head at my own exasperated need to get the day’s timetable done, I took her to school.

She was fine in the playground talking to her group of friends. I passed the precious minutes in friendly chatter as the bell went, she came over to me and a hug pursued that broke my heart as the uncertainty vibrated from her body and through my flesh, I looked into the eyes of youth that asked the question why; for which I had no answer and smiled with all the radiance of motherhood and gently kissed my beautiful butterfly as it took flight upon it’s fragile and oh so gentle wings. These wings would be dented, crushed even before this day was out but I told myself it was for the best. Did I believe this, no, I was not convinced, as my history had none of the battles for knowledge that my ancestors have had, no I had not gone through the humiliation that ignorance of the world around you brings. I forced her grasp to slacken and propelled her towards her day of education. Have I regrets? Yes many.

Should I teach her from home? I could through my own understanding, books and the World Wide Webb. All she needed to know without the statts and tests, the worry of how well she should be doing and how much more I should be teaching. Life would be so laid back and how it is meant to be.

As I pull the car out of its resting place to one of its journeys for the day. First to the part time job, shopping and back home to the house work that always seems to get the better of me, I think to my self could I give up again the freedom of a job and the financial independence, to become a full time companion, teacher and mentor to my child and as her hair was lifted by the air conditioner and landed on my hand, a gentle kiss so much appreciated, so much loved. This simple part of the day made the vivid memory of her group of friends, embrace me and I started to relax understanding it was the best way, the only way open to me.

She needed people to interact with in a fragmented society. Isn’t this what life is all about the ability to communicate your loves, likes, dislikes, concerns, your ideas and opinions and this is what I hoped she would truly be learning.

I breathed in the solitude and with the reassurance that I was truly right to have stayed at home for the first few years at least, even though my career had suffered and people had made me feel a lesser person, I forced a smile on my face and got on with the day. It feels as though I have two full time jobs now to fulfil; that of housekeeper, the supporter of the family unit and a job I took for convenience but would never reach my full potential in. Those first few years had been her foundation on which her life would be built on; this had been a sacrifice worth paying and with a picture of my dreams of the life to come, calmness washed over me.

In the distance of this long and fraught road, full of hidden turns, I saw the cars that had no time for steady drivers and groaned. You meet them all the time they say, what is the point of slow speed limits, it just encourages people to overtake, with disregard to the actual road its self, hidden turns and all; “anyway I’m a good driver I can handle a car.” But in reality the car is not the problem it’s the fact that other people have a right to be on the road and they are not all in cars.

There was nowhere for me to go, to over take on such a road is so irresponsible and as the crush of metal came; as I knew it must, so did the pain. I lifted that single hair to my lips to whisper that last farewell to my precious gift of life and as the crumpled car came to a stop, life was lifted out of me and that single hair and me dance on the breeze a sorrowful ballet entwined together, lifted, then gone though perhaps not forgotten, especially by that one single gentle butterfly.

Boys are better than girls? I think not! was it the short hair that did it?

Living in a small village surrounded by boys I couldn’t help being a tom boy but I also think it’s in my nature. I was always being coerced into situations by my eldest brother, always against my better judgment and never in a lady like fashion, we would climb trees. We would string a line across two tall trees to make an aerial slide. To do this though we needed a small person to try the branch out first, to swing on to make sure it was safe. That was my brother’s reasoning. That small young and innocent person was me.

After climbing as far as I dared and was sure I could just about touch the skies, I duly swung on the branch which held my weight. I tied the rope and threw the line down. My brother tied the other end to the next tree so that when we reached the bottom we could safely drop to the ground. We had made a handle over an old pram wheel which we had taken the tyre off. The ridge this left fitted the rope well allowing us to free fall from one tree to the next. We had done this many times before; getting higher and longer each time.

Now this particular day the branch held until my Cousin Paul took his turn. He was one of the eldest and biggest. Well his weight got too much for the branch. We heard the loud crack and then they both came crashing down, breaking his wrist. At that moment I understood with clarity what my brother was really asking me to do and I refused to risk my bones for his idea of fun. My brother was a little upset over my decision and would goad me that I was just a mere girl. When I retorted back that he should give it a go himself sometime, his argument run out of steam. He then decided that we should have a shooting contest which would prove that I would never be as good as a boy. I didn’t see what shooting had to do with climbing trees but I had to prove him wrong. My brother had an air rifle that he practiced everyday with and I wasn’t allowed to touch. This didn’t seem to be a fair way to decide but I was so incensed by his view of me and my kind I felt I had to prove him wrong and agreed to take the challenge.

So there I found my self watching my brother take aim. With his allotted three shots he managed to kill one blackbird. I stepped forward and I told him flatly that I would shoot the poor bird through the head as I didn’t want the bird to suffer. He just laughed at me. My eyes were shut but with determination and resolve to gain my brothers respect, I took my first shot. I hit the bird through the head and killed it outright. I turned to my brother who had his mouth wide open in a very satisfying way and said‘I told you, if you want to get a job done, get a girl to do it!’ And stormed off like a pre-Madonna.

I thought this would be an end to it but like all flukes it became gossip around the village. This was compounded when my uncle Ian decided it was time I shot my first 12-bore shot gun. He showed me how to lean into this gun so the recoil would not hurt my shoulder. My elbow was just below his rib cadge. When I squeezed the trigger my arm flew back winding my uncle badly. This changed the trajectory and I hit two ducks that happened to be flying by. My brother now in awe of my ability reckoned I shot them with one barrel but I’m fairly sure I let both barrels off. My Gran plucked and cooked them in my honour. Best duck I have ever tasted, my Gran was a mighty fine cook.

 By the time shooting season was upon us the myth had became a legend, which I tried to distance myself from, knowing one day I would have to live up to it. I refused to shoot in the presence of my brother as I didn’t want my luck to run out. Beating on a shoot for Mr Spring early on in that season, it was a pleasant but chilly morning and I had dressed accordingly with many layers. We had stopped for lunch and I was leaning on a gate waiting for the rest of the beaters to catch up and go to lunch when Mr. Spring’s commando voice broke the tranquil air. ‘Good God man you’ve got to your age and you can’t tell the difference between the sexes, no wonder ya such a bad shot Sir. This lady, I’ll have you know is the best shot in the county.’ He winked at me as he went past and I caught sight of his humour dancing in his eyes.

I had been aware of a pompous man that spoke in that hard on the ear nasal way, portraying an aristocratic background. He was indeed a bad shot which had been annoying Mr. Spring all morning. I looked around to see what had taken place when I realised all eyes were on me. I had never known Mr. Spring to verbally and openly chastise a paying gun. It transpired that this man had been calling me lad and when I didn’t answer he got less than polite with his language.

There was great merriment over lunch about me being a ‘lad’ and my shooting capabilities. My brother revelled in the telling of the blackbird and ducks myth. Mr Spring came to have a word with me and we had a good giggle about it all.

He imparted some of his wise wisdom that day that I always remember when I encounter a pretentious sort of person. The worst of people are the ones that make you think they are above the rest of us. You have to learn to give your respect wisely, he told me. It sounded so easy and that man’s character could be spotted in a crowded room. But people are more complex and sometimes you just want to climb a tree or two and look out on the view, just for the sheer joy of it, or is that just me?

 Was it the short hair that did it?

Dad Mum Me and Jim

To all the Fathers

For every failing a woman may find in men, there is a great many daily heroic acts women conveniently forget. Like unblocking the drains, wiping dog’s do do off children’s shoes, which are put in the shed and accidentally on purpose forgotten.

Who do those; not so fragile creatures, push out of bed, in the middle of a cold night to investigate the strange noises they just heard?

      Then there is the expectation, as the other half of the double act of parenthood is male, so they should be able to put shelves up straight and sort the car out with no bother or fuss. Just as the female half has a natural understanding of all things maternal and a simplistic ability to clean and cook, don’t they?

      Then, when the children are thrust upon the fathers and looked after in a male way, they are soundly criticized and then severally tutted at!

      As I look back with great fondness on those all important tickling fights and the things I learned from my dad, that my mum had no knowledge or inclination for, I mellow as a mother. I remember with a childlike fondness, at the rimes he got me out of trouble and made me feel better.

      In short my dad was my very own hero. I look on with a mother’s eye and thankfully see history repeat its’ self. So these poems are my tribute to all the unsung heroes, bless their little cotton sock always in sandals X

A Fathers lot

I peek through the window

There they are, waiting for me

I am late, tired and weary

They – full of joy and energy

I look at the girl I married

And see a woman;

A mother

 
I hover the key a fraction From its hole

To summon up the energy

To enter the role of fatherhood

They hear the latch

And greet me with swords,

Prized home work,

With an array of broken toys.

A cup of tea is brought before me

But no time is given,

To sip its refreshing properties

For he is Legolas

I’m the big baddie.

I dramatically fall

And die upon the carpet

Only to be jumped on

I hear a pleading voice

That pines out

“Daddy you promised”

And the mother frowns upon me

For not drinking

What is now a cold cup of tea.

 
I sigh as I trudge off

To read the same book again

The words of which send me to sleep.

Warm and cosy

As we cuddle ready to read

My daughter tells me of her day

I look at her face and marvel

This is my child

I look around the room

With its toys and posters

How did this happen?

How could this be?

My baby,

How she has grown.

 

I walk to my son’s room

We talk for a while

Until his voice falters

And slips into sleep.

 
Last job done

A shower then bed

Gone have the nights of passion

The surprise of delicate nighties

So has the romance she says

But its not, its just inside my head

Nothing I do is right

I pick the wrong time

Or wrong mood

But there are only twenty-four hours in a day

Not forty-eight

 
“Come on sleepy head

Get out, Get out of bed”.

My body starts into action

I’m half dressed

When they confess

Its Saturday

They joyfully run

Laughing down stairs.

   

There they are again

I feel as if I’m an outsider

They are busy doing naturally

Their day-to-day routine

“Brunch is on the table” She calls

I look its half past ten.

 

Gone has the bike on the drive

Replaced by a family car

That cost nearly as much as the house.

It came as a shock

How much extra you need

When out and about with children

Nothing gets done anymore at speed

Or just as a whim

Everything is planed-

Organized.

 
We go looking at sofas

It pleases her

But strikes me with boredom and fear.

The children behave impeccably

Giving good advice on which

Would be the best

Comfort and colour disgusted

“Which one shall we have”?

They say

“Non” she says

“Daddy’s worked too hard

I’ll not have him work any harder

But one day we’ll

Have that one”

So I’m under no pressure then!

As we sit in the evening

On our warn out sofa

Drinking a glass or two of wine

Eating a bar or two of chocolate

Surrounded by love

I think to my self

How lucky I am

Though the pressure is immense

And work so dammed hard

Best not mentioned

Freedom a thing of the passed

I look across

That worn out sofa

And see that girl again

Her smile

Their laughter

What would I rather

Freedom without the pressure

Or the smiles,

And the laughter

With the memories of love.

I guess I’ll just have

To learn

To be free

On a worn out

Sofa.

This next poem is dedicated to Kev. It’s his favourite and though written for children it resonates with adults just as much though on a different level.

     It depicts a father’s view. After working all week all he really needs is to wake up in his own time, slowly moving into a lazy Sunday. I have a lot of empathy for this view point, but as mere mother, would know nothing about hard work all week, now would I? But alas parenthood is not a weekly job that gives you a weekend free.

     So reluctantly this cocooned father dragged from his comfy bed and is wrestled back into family life. A knowing glance between the parents, which hold such understanding and respect, makes Kev revere it so.

The Grumpy Sulky Struggle

There is a Grumpy Sulky;
Curled up at the bottom of my mum’s bed
And it wriggles all the way to the top
Just before it pops out its head,
It gruffly grunts,
"It’s time for you to get out of my bed!"

It starts to wriggle and giggle,
So much that the bed wobbles,
And out pops my sister onto the floor.
Now it’s got me ,
Can’t you see?
Its big humped back.
It squirms its worm shape
Into the middle of the bed,
Oh! No! I’m dune for,
As I make a big thump on the floor.
"That’s two out" it snorts one more."

Then my mum hits the floor,
And we hear a big roar.
"If you don’t want any more
Run for your lives."
"Not likely" we reply,
And jump on the beast.
My sister had its feet,
She is hanging on like a limpet
Her legs wrapped around and
Tickling for all she is worth.
I’ve got the pillow,
Bashing the monster like mad.
Mum is pulling on its arms
With all her might,
She is fighting bravely with the beast.
"No! Not to-day
It’s Sunday."

But we don’t listen,
As we thwack, pull and tickle together
"Give up!" It bellows.
"Never!" we shout.
At last it starts to slip and slide
We all heave together,
Closer to the edge of the bed,
Grumpy Sulky fumbles.
Then it thuds to the floor.

"Lets uncover the Grumpy Sulky
So he can’t get away!"
We triumphantly cry.

In a fighting frenzy we unwrap him,
But the Grumpy Sulky is not there,
It’s only our Dad.
Me and my sister look every where
For the Grumpy Sulky
But he is no where to be seen.

Mum smiles and kisses our dad,
"What would you like for breakfast
My Grumpy Sulky?" She asks
"Cheese on toast" he replies.

We can see our Grumpy Sulky is no more!
Dad gives us that look he has
With smiley eyes and his big cheesy grin.
"We’ve beaten the Grumpy Sulky
We’ve beaten the Grumpy Sulky"
We happily sing.

Have a great day

A Good Day for a Tilly Moment

Oh to sleep on a decent mattress!! I was so excited. Suffering from a trapped nerve was no joke and this new foam mattress was going to help, if not solve the lack of sleep by moulding its self to my body, supporting it where needed. Just thinking about it eased my joints.

            Well as soon as we ordered it I went and brought new covers and was pleased with the results. Just by changing the covers the room will take on a whole new dynamic. The mattress was due to be delivered between eight and four. So I had organised a friend to take the children to school and pick them up if needed. We had managed to get the old mattress propped up against the wardrobe and I had taken the opportunity to give the room a good clean. Just as my friend arrived and we were getting bags and children in the car the mattress arrived, you just know when you’re going to have a good day. My son shouted out that he would help me when he got home and not to try and take it upstairs. I didn’t promise.

            As soon as I had cleared the morning’s usual eruption, I took a closer look at the packages. The mattress had been rolled up. I looked at it and then I looked at the stairs that were straight in-front and I reasoned. The mattress being made of foam would smell so I would need to air it. I could give it a go getting the mattress upstairs and if it was too much leave it for later. If I did manage it, I would have the room ready for my husband, who like me was dead excited about having a decent nights sleep. I didn’t need any more convincing to give it a try. Well I pushed, tugged and hauled the cigar like package up the stairs, promising myself that if it got too much I would just leave it. But of course I couldn’t.

            Standing in the playground later I stretched my aching back, when asked what I had been up to I excitedly told them what I had been doing, they laughed and asked if that was possibly why I was suffering now with a bad back. Hadn’t given it a thought, how stupid am I, my mind was able my body incompetent, never mind it was worth the effort. All the children now aboard, we went home in a flurry.

            After the children had tried it out, I sprayed it again with fabric freshener and made it up. I just had time for a shower before I started dinner. Perfect!

            It was a good day everything falling into place. Oh that makes me laugh ‘falling into place’. You see at this moment in time, I’m wedged in the en suite. The mattress that we had taken off and lodged against the wardrobes had indeed fallen, right against the opposite wall the one containing the door to the haven of my dreams. Scented candles waft relaxing aromas across me but don’t have the desired affect, so I snuff them out! I was trapped not knowing when I would be released.

            The children have been told not to disturb me so are playing music at full volume, playing a game on the TV and talking to their friends while u-Tubing with their ear phones in. The one day they choose to do as there’re told and not to interrupt me in the shower, they choose to day.

            I have no idea what time it is or how long I’ve been here already. I’m now lying on the floor looking through the sky light looking at the clouds go by and reciting in my mind ‘Leisure’ by William Henry Davies, a gentle poem written by a colourful character. I lay there and contemplate that great mans life. He was borne in Wales and became a vagrant who lost his leg trying to jump a train in America. He came back to England and married a lady of the night and by all accounts had a good marriage and later life. Writing a novel ‘Young Emma’ but at the last minute decided not to publish it as it was a based on his life before and after Helen with dark and deep tones. Knowing a little of how a writers mind works dipping into and out of reality it was probably best that the publisher kept a copy under lock and key until both husband and wife had passed. People would wonder what was true and what was supposed fiction.

            In his roaming he met all of life’s trials and human sides and yet he still wrote with a childlike simplicity which I love but as his words wonder around my thoughts they give me many complex reasons and ideas.

            This experience would have been great if I had only had a glass or two of wine and had a copy of the poem. I can hear the door going and finally the noise of the house has subsided as everyone is now looking for me. Well they must be getting hungry by now.

            Now this leaves me with a dilemma; do I call out to be released and laughed at for the rest of my life as this story is recounted time and time again. Or do I take a few more minuets of considered contemplation and enjoy hearing their banter rise into concern as to my whereabouts? I may be too hopeful on the concerned front. In hope that my husband will find me first and he too respectful to make fun of the situation I’m in so decide to wait a while.

            I hear my husband laugh quietly to himself and close our bedroom door. He lies appreciably on the bed and I know this will be a mistake and soon, I hear his gentle snoring floating on the tranquil air.

            I bide my time as soon the hunger and the loss of both parents will intrigue the children enough for them to come and find us. And sure enough the shouts start to rise. They remind me of baby birds squawking for their food. I call gently and hear him stir, he raises and moves the mattress that was pinning the door shut with the rebound action that I could not fight against, though I tried and have the burses to prove it. He opens the door and jumps six foot in the air with fright. I smile and walk serenely out of my prison. I had got away with it quietly waiting had done the trick, embarrassment avoided.

            In the kitchen  I open the bottle of chilled wine and finished off the evening meal I had prepared and as we all sit down to eat my husband starts to ask questions. It was a mistake to believe my husband could resist the urge to have fun at my expense. Would I have saved his blushes, probably not?

Just a Daydream

Have a coffee break with this one sit back and I hope you enjoy.

I got the idea of this story as I walked down my lane taking Tink for a walk and looking at the cars that would pass me. Let me know what you think.

Tilly

Amy looked down at her hands and remembered an old teacher explaining to her once, that as you grow older the elasticity goes in your skin. As you age, he had said, when you pinch the back of your hand the skin will stay in that pinched state for an ever increasing amount of time. She had always smiled at this thought and from time to time had pinched the back of her hand to reassure herself that the skin indeed jumped back into place and aging was in the future. She also remembered how sad she had felt, that on her thirtieth birthday she was sure it had taken longer to bound back to its youthful form and in the years since, the recoil indeed had slowed down. Now there was little skin to pinch and if it didn’t bruise it was a bonus. He had not warned her about that now, had he!

            Her hand now was skeletal with thick blue raised veins passing through the age spots that littered her frail and arthritic fingers. That is when she could see them. Her eyes were as bad as her skin, aging and failing. Another amusement flickered across her face, could you say failing eyesight was an upside to getting old? Not being able to see your true reflection in the mirror was a good thing in her opinion! The better vision was kept in her minds eye.

            She looked out of the car window and her heart fluttered as it often did when they passed the big old oak the place where it happened, all those years ago.

            It had been a very cold, wet and bitter winter but Amy had loved it. Gone from her life was the idiot of a man and the father of her two children, she had rented a very small and quaint cottage and she and the children were having a ball.

            Rushing from work one lunchtime, to take the dog out for a walk. The snow and ice had begun to slowly melt and everywhere was a muddy mess. It was still cold but the sun was out and the hint of spring could just be smelt on the air. They had just left the house when Elli, who owned the cargo business just around the corner had slowed down to have a word but traffic on both sides of the one track lane, could not wait for a conversation to take place. As the cars passed Amy put her hand up in a phone position and mouthed ‘I’ll give you a call’ and carried on with her walk. She envied the trendy car owner. She had a tranquil location for her growing business, two fun children who wanted for nothing but most of her envy was for her new friend’s gorgeous and very smiley husband.

            She often saw him taking the children to school or with their friends going off somewhere even at lunchtime he would pass her while she was out for a walk. He would always give her a warm smile and wave. He never looked grumpy. Amy often wondered how easy life would be without the burden of the school or social runs, how nice it must be to share that time consuming travel. She had been made to feel it was her responsibility alone and often found herself frazzled and without a social life.

            She had never spoken to him or met him in person; to be honest she had avoided anything to do with him and when ever she talked to his wife, she would steer the conversation away from the subject of partners, in fear of giving away how she felt about Ellie’s husband. Her close friends knew she liked a guy but not who. Not that they knew Ellie or her husband she supposed, but you never know in a small village like theirs. She didn’t even know the man’s name; he could be a moron for all she knew, she liked the daydream of him so she kept him a secret.

            Amy was now walking in that dream world of shared responsibility and the comfort that it could bring. How pleasant parenthood would be with the right man in her life.

            Enjoying, as she always did the walk with Buddy. The breeze chilled her face making it tingle and the sun’s beams gave a glow to the countryside around her, adding to the reflective sate of her mind. She had reached the big old oak at the top of the hill, which marked the start of the trendy and very friendly couple’s property. It was then she heard a shout of welcome which startled her. She looked up and was completely thrown as the man of her thoughts started to walk towards her. Buddy Boy rushed to meet and greet pulling her off balance; she slipped on some ice and landed in a puddle of the thickest coldest mud she had ever felt. Mud squelched through her buttock cheeks. Marvellous! She thought. Here stands Mr Trendy the first time I ever gets to meet him and where am I, looking sexy with my arse covered in mud, legs akimbo!  She pulled to free her hand from the gloopy mess that acted like sinking sand. As her hand was released mud splattered everywhere making more of a mess. Her hair was in her eyes and as she tried to wipe it away with her coat sleeve, ended up smearing the mud all over her forehead and most of her face.

            Embarrassed and flustered she scrambled desperately trying to salvage any dignity she could from the situation but the gloop had sucked her bum so tight she couldn’t move. Buddy Boy was now excitedly licking her to encourage her to get up. Mud flung from his paws and tail as the young Great Dane got more and more excited at his owners joy of mud.

            Amy pleaded in her mind for the immaculate dressed icon of her daydreams, to stay away from the calamity but she could already smell his aftershave. Her knees turned to jelly as the heady aroma of him rendered her fight to free herself a futile struggle. Amy was not the type who was normally given to romanticise and of all the days to dip into the dream world she chose now!! Great Amy, just bloody great! A married man, you like his wife and you have to give up your soul and dignity to have a quick fantasy. His worth it though! Get a grip Amy! She tried to snap herself out of it and to control her thoughts. As he stretched out his hand to help her, she could see white cuffs poking through the sleeves of his tailored suit, with exquisite cufflinks and she was horrified.

‘No, No don’t worry you’re suit will get ruined, honestly I’ll, I’ll be fine. I just need to get a proper hold of something’ mostly of my mind. Focus Amy!

‘I don’t think you’re going to be able to get out of this on your own.’ He lifted his eyebrows as amusement tippled from them down to his now smiling mouth. He was some sweet sweet eye candy…. If Amy had any bootstraps, where ever they were, she was tugging on them to pull back her decorum out of this mess but was more probably tying them together, tripping her dignity further from grace.

‘Don’t fuss about the suit.’ He stated this with that good humoured and calm manor. Straddling the puddle he grabbed her under her arms and was gaining some headway until he looked down and saw the face Amy was making. Buddy now sniffing on top of her head frothing at the mouth with excitement, then looking intently at him liked him with gusto, he began to laugh. Buddy boy bounded around him, covering him in mud. At this moment, lost in the slobber he lost his grip on her and she sloshed back into her mud bath. Even though she felt soar and self-conscious she couldn’t help laughing too. Buddy had a way of doing that spreading fun. He looked so ungainly, gangly legs going in all directions loving life.

            Amy now took her coat off turned it inside out so they could at least have something other than mud to hold onto. Flinging the over half to her knight of the mud puddle so they could tug her out. Slowly they pulled but as her bottom was extracted from the mire it squelched the sound that you get from a really good Sunday trifle. The noise had them in a fit of giggles. He lost his grip and she lost the will to live. Buddy was in seventh heaven at the new game they were playing, mud flew through the air with exuberance from his tail and paws.

            Cars were going past and Amy though embarrassed and bruised decided to enjoy the experience after all it’s not every day you see a woman in a muddy puddle surrounded by an excited elegant blue Great Dane covered in mud with his front paws on the shoulders of a suited man as though they were waltzing.

            They took a breather for a second or two to calm Buddy down and in that time Amy began to shiver with the cold and the increasing pain. At the third attempt, with Amy twisting and turning she was finally free. The exertion had irritated her injury and as he held her, she had turned into a silent trembling manikin. The lingering and much appreciated warm embrace brought a deep colour to her cheeks. What it is to hold your daydream she inwardly smiled and closed her eyes.

            He was apologising for causing all this trouble as he rubbed her to get her warm. She told him he had more than compensated for just saying a polite ‘hello’. Anyhow, it was her fault for daydreaming.

            Introducing himself, Chris insisted on taking her back to her house. It was the least he could do, he said. He supported her all the way back to his house, which was quite a distance. They came to the converted barn and Amy was surprised to see that it was separate to the old and elegant thatched house. From the road they looked joined. They went through a walled garden gate and entered a large orangey.

            He got a throw from one of the wicker sofas and wrapped her up to keep her warm and found another for Buddy to dry off with. Rushed and found some painkillers. Had changed into more casual clothes picked up his car keys and another throw and helped Amy out and into his car. Bloody hell, he was going to take her back in his lovely brand spanking new car, in this state! With Buddy too, she hopped Buddy would be good. Buddy just lay down in the back and went to sleep. Amy breathed with relief.

            Now driving along in his masculine and robust county vehicle she could feel the pain rise in her Coccyx. With each bump they took, a sharp reminder of her fall, without grace pinged. Perhaps the pain will concentrate her mind she hoped as she knew not whether her body or mind was the muskiest. When they got back to her home he insisted making her a coffee while she showered.

            She slowly went upstairs and felt excitedly foolish. As she stepped into the shower her sensibilities came back. She could not and would not fling herself at a married man no matter how desperate she was but she was not certain her arms or the rest of her body would comply. It was a sad fact but a true one! She had castigated her ex for not having morals now she had to walk the talk she gave him. Bloody morals!

            Here she was with the man of her many dreams making a very concerted effort not to do the very thing that was done to her, two wrongs don’t make a right choice or a happy one, Amy! Maybe not but they would make for exciting times, she deserved exciting times. Five minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of regret was not worth it. How about a life time of fun?

            She jumped out of her skin when he knocked on the door making her foolish quarrel evaporate.

‘Are you ok?

‘Er, Yep!’

She was now out of the shower and looking in the mirror and marvelled at the great big bruise that was forming across the small of her back and down her right thigh. There must have been a branch or something as it looked gruesome, no wonder it hurt so much.

‘Ready for your coffee?’

‘Oh, I’ll just get dressed and be down in a mo.’ she groaned with every movement.

‘Sounds as if you have hurt yourself ’

‘Must have had a branch or something in the puddle, I’ve got a big bruise forming on my bum’

‘Can I see?’ A long pause came into the atmosphere of possible innuendo. Was there humour in his voice or had her daydream got the better of her? She wished he hadn’t said it though; her imagination had gone into over drive. Should she reply?

‘I don’t think you’d want to see’

‘Oh I think I do’ He was, he was flirting with her! Ecstasy tinged with outrage.

‘Think its best kept well hidden believe me’

‘Oh I won’t take your word for it, I have to see for myself to believe it’ Bubbles of delight dance all over her. The joy of flirtation has to come to a stop! Ok Mrs. Sensible.

‘well ya  gonna have to take my word for it!’

‘Shame’ he chuckled ‘but do you need to go to the doctors to get it checked out?’

Deflation was a sucking sensation and her ego ebbed out of view. She felt barren of womanhood, silly, foolish and close to tears. He was just being a concerned gentleman not flirtatious. Life’s’ a bit of a bugger really, she told herself.

            Covering her faux pas she answered his question. ‘Nar just bruised ego, nothing major’

‘Ok I’ll go and leave you in peace.’

            Amy finished dressing, the warm shower and the tablets were having an effect. Going to her room which was across from the bathroom, her bedroom door was open and the ironing board was in full display with clothes stacked on it nearly as high as the ceiling. Buddy’s bones and toys littered the small landing. What must he have thought?

            Now she would have to face the embarrassment of it all. Fall from grace, faux pas and untidiness. This day was going to be marked up as one of the worst embarrassing times, ever. She gingerly went down stairs dressed in old jogging bottoms as they were the only comfortable option she had. No time to do her long hair so had quickly put it up but bits hung loose as her uncontrollable curls always fought to do their own thing. Nearly falling down the stairs jolted the injury once again, he came running to find her and helped her to sit at the kitchen table. It was no good the hard chairs hurt too much. Trying to get up to move Chris could see her discomfort and immediately jumped to her aid again. He held her around the waist as they manoeuvred through the narrow doorways to the sitting room. She tried to hide how she felt about him? The softness and warmth of his body was worth the pain she thought you bad, bad woman Amy!! She laughed to herself.

‘What’s funny?’ He asked. He held her hands as she lowered herself into the sofa. Looking for the first time into his clear blue eyes it was his way that seduced her. His way of being, calm, gentle and relaxed. Letting go of his hands she melted into the form of the soft comfy cushions. Took a deep breath and took a sip of the excellent coffee he handed her and purred inwardly. Avoiding eye contact and his question.

            ‘I’m so sorry’ He said with a tenderness she had never really experienced.

‘What could she say, what should she say? Floundering she took another sip of the delicious coffee and smiled deeper.

‘It wasn’t your fault. I was daydreaming I should have been more alert.’

‘Daydreaming about what?’ he asked she went red and put her head down quickly. ‘Sorry that was rude, I didn’t mean to pry’ he started to chuckle

Oh please stop, she inwardly pleaded. It was the way his mouth parted and he looked sideways that  turned her on the most, the tone of his face and the meaning within his eyes that made her want to throw her morals out of the lovely sunny window where they could dance on the fresh air and leave her alone with. Stop right there sunshine!!! She pulled herself up by the scruff of her neck metaphorically speaking.

‘About going to somewhere warm for a holiday’, she lied ‘I feel such a fool’ there she had done it got over the crippling school girl crush and entered adulthood where she could put intense feelings to bed, she shouldn’t have used that term ‘to bed’ as that’s exactly what she wanted to do!! Bugger!

            There was a knock on the door and in walked Elli. Amy’s heart was pounding and felt sure the lust she felt for Elli’s husband was written in her face. If you had any sense you would take your husband out of the clutches of this wanton hussy Amy shouted in her head but all she managed outwardly was a weak smile.

‘Are you ok Amy’ she asked with true concern. More than I deserved to be, Amy told herself.

‘Yep just a little taken a back more embarrassed than anything.’

‘You look dreadful, whitish gray.’

‘Glad I have Fridays afternoon off, but honestly I’ll be fine, just have to rest I gues.’

Please take your husband home or I won’t be responsible for my actions.

‘I think it would be a good idea if you stayed for a while Chris.’ Chris nodded his agreement.

‘How about if we got the kids together and we had dinner this evening’ they both looked at Amy. Do you fancy, Chinese?’ She asked.

Amy was a little confused to who or what was being asked. But Elli was not waiting for an answer anyhow. ‘I’ll pick all the children up and take them back to mine. Chris was smiling and nodded like a secret conversation had just taken place. She beamed at Amy. Then like a whirlwind of excitement she was gone.

          Amy felt as if she had her mouth wide open so she closed it, how bazaar! Why the sudden rush with excitement? Uncomfortably she shifted.

‘Are you ok about me staying? Or would you rather I left you alone? Though I think she’s right about me staying for a while. My sister runs at full speed not really accounting for other people thoughts or feelings some times, takes control, her hearts in the right place though.’ 

Amy coughed her shock. Had she heard right ‘his sister?’

‘Oh Elli is your sister?’

‘Yep, He looked confused and looked at her face intently. Why, who did you think she was?

‘Your wife’

It was his turn to splutter; he laughed and looked at her with his amused gentle face. ‘Why married?’

‘Oh’ Amy looked up and saw that smile that she swooned for.

‘Living at the same place, both of you taking the same children to school, that sort of thing.’

‘Ah, I see, yes that would do it I guess. Elli does have a habit of not fully explaining herself.’ Could she see a hint of a blush on his face? He looked awkward, shy and bashful with a hint of a guilty secret. He slowly sat down next to her. He chuckled with reverberating pleasure.

‘What’s the secret?’

‘Oh I’m so going to love to tell her this one’.

‘What’s the secret?’ She persisted. He looked at her with those blue eyes that refreshed her soul.

‘What secret?’

‘The secret that’s written all over your face, I have to tell you I’m an expert at extracting the truth.’ She could see the embarrassment build up and decided to give him a little time before he told her.

‘I won’t let you tell Elli about me reading your relationship wrong, I’d be too embarrassed. I feel stupid enough as it is! And I’ve changed my mind. it was all your fault I ended up in a cold muddy puddle legs akimbo with people laughing at my expense and a big old burse on my bum that really really hurts’ she put on her hurt face.

‘I can’t promise not to rub it in a little, the relationship you had supposed, not your bum, though I would, rub your bum that is. She was supposed to be helping me out not miss leading you. They could hear the children excitedly coming in.

‘Helping you out?’ Amy hated riddles yet loved them all the same, they vexed her but Chris jumped up as Katie came running in.

            ‘Mum you ok??’ Her teenage daughters face was full of anxiety as Amy winced when she tried to move as Andy came swaggering in. Seventeen suited him.

‘I’m fine, just a big fat bruised ego’

‘You tell us to look out for potholes’ He chastised in his ever deepening voice.’ and to take our earphones out when we’re walking on the road, what was your excuse? Have you seen the state of Buddy?’

Amy rolled her eyes at her own words being used against her and smiled at her son’s obvious enjoyment. Ellie said you needed time; he looked at Chris and then back down to his mum and added…to recover, so we’re going to Ellie’s house, no worries about T we’re having Chinese. Oh’ He now articulated slowly ‘Elli’s brother will be staying with you to make sure your ok!’ Loaded with innuendo that was as subtle as a sledgehammer he nodded affirmation to Amy. Bemused she looked into those meaningful eyes full of youth and the beginnings of understanding. ‘So we will leave you in piece for a couple of hours or more, so you can….. you know rest!’ Ellie’s boys were laughing with him as they all bundled out of the small room.

            Amy just shook her head. They could hear the draws being opened and pilfered. Awkwardly they looked at each other as Ellie’s shout came as a goodbye. With loaded whispers, shuffles and laughs ‘oh and we’re taking Buddy’ slamming doors barking and then quiet as the car drove away.

            Chris sat down next to Amy and silently chuckled to himself shaking his head. ‘Ellie rang me so I could meet you casually while you were on your walk. Don’t suppose this as done my chances any good at all.’

‘Chances?’

‘I’ve been trying to get to meet you for weeks; this was not what I had in mind though. Ellie said you were quite evasive but thought you liked me’ He turned to face her ‘I’ve been admiring your smile for a long time’. 

‘Oh I’ve been having an affair with you for quite a while now. Hence the evasion’ She couldn’t believe she had just said that, her innermost thoughts blurted out in that way. Slowly his arm pulled her towards his soft succulent chest and she melted towards him.

‘An affair?’

‘Oh, just a daydream one, which is just as bad really. I like your sister.’

He laughed at her way of thinking. She looked beneath her hair trying to hide. What on earth must he think of her now?

‘Would you have had an affair with me?’

‘It made a great daydream but I know from bitter experience that it would’ve turned into a nightmare for everyone.’ She looked sadly sideways on at him as he squeezed her softly and kissed the top of her head.

‘Can we still have an illicit affair?’ He smiled down kissing her forehead. ‘I was married once’

‘Oh there is a dark side to you, what with your sinister secrets?’ Their humour made his face glow. She wanted to see more of that glow and be part of the making of it.

‘Fine one to talk Lady of the daydream affair.’ Just as she opened her mouth to retaliate he kissed her.

            As Amy looked across the back seat of the car at that man she fell in love with those sixty years ago she laughed to herself he had always shut her up that way ever since, even in front of the children and he had this afternoon. It was expected of him really, his party trick and it always took her by surprise even after all these years, how silly but oh how splendid. He squeezed her hand as he often did as they passed their spot. They looked at each other both knowing what the other thought, as that day had indeed gone down in family history, discussed from every angle and view point.    Their affair had lasted all these years. Exciting each other like lovers would, making each other laugh and crying together has kept them strong. All through life’s trials and tribulations of which there had been many, life can be sad she thought. As you grow old you see many things that make you sad, everything changes but is always constant. Humans don’t rally change much, what ever century you belong to. Would she want time to stand still? If time had stood still, in that endlessness they would never have seen their children grow nor had any of the pleasure of their grandchildren and great grandchildren. On that day, that fateful day she had wondered what it must be like to have that man by her side with the smiles, wonderful suits and the lifestyle of the trendy couple. As they sat on that sofa she can remember thinking as though it had happened a few days ago, that she wanted to grow old with him. Well now she had.