Is The BBC Under Government Controll?

BBC Complaints Told Me I Was Toxic?

Well That Fluffed Up My Tail-Feathers!!!

I got the same responce as Countess Mar; more or less the same word for word response. So I wrote a reply

I don’t believe I will get a level or concise response, and will think about making a complaint to Ofcom. Again I do not envisage getting much of a reply there either but feel you have to start somewhere.

http://www.meassociation.org.uk/2016/11/bbc-director-general-replies-to-countess-of-mar-about-coverage-of-the-fitnet-nhs-trial-24-november-2016/

Here is my reply and what do you think I should do next? Any point to it?

Ref: Cas-4074869-G7PJ8J

21^st November 2016

Dear Brian Irvine,

I was deeply unhappy and saddened by your response to my complaint about the mis-information 1^st November 2016 on the Joanna Gosling Show. The BBC is required to be accurate in reporting facts, impartial, and I would say, needs to be respectful to all.

To use the word Toxic in a letter about a medical condition in my view is unprofessional, and undeserving against a medical condition which is so devastating to so many, including very young children, I did take it personally.

Unfortunately I found no response to any of my questions raised, even though it stated that you had “reviewed the programme in light of your concern.” I raised many concerns!

You go on to say the discussion “was on the back of news that a therapy which successfully treats two thirds of children.” My complaint pointed out this was very misleading, not least because the trial had not even started. Furthermore the Dutch trial it is based upon, proved no long term benefit, and had no realistic harm definition, due to the known consequences of over activity in ME sufferers. 

My further point is that you have not included up-to-date research which would have made a big difference to the understanding of this disease and would allow the viewer a more balanced and unbiased view. You should have kept your selves informed and up to date with this illness.

You rely heavily on one particular group of people that the Science Media Centre (SMC) protects, and that have been discredited in their research and claims against other researchers, charities and suffers, the latter never getting an independent voice on national BBC Radio or News, only on some local BBC radio stations.

Listening to Steve Helwetts Media show’s interview with Fran Unsworth Deputy Head of the BBC News and on the board of the SMC, giving assurances the emerging government funding may cloud the transparency and threatens unbiased reporting, I am concerned in this case those blurrings of reporting; “knowing the government is listening”, is not as transparent at she would like?

My understanding of ME is a neurological, musculoskeletal condition with autonomic dysfunction, which causes abnormalities in the nervous system, autoimmune, cardiac, immunological and metabolomics systems putting the body in a dauer (meaning “endurance” “duration” “permanent” type of stasis (a period of state of inactivity) to survive) state. Causing problems: of a continual infections state, general inflammation, inflammatory of gut with connective tissue damage. If undiagnosed or treated in the wrong way for the individual, this can and does have life threatening consequences.

ME/CFS is now under review with NICE, taking into account the new and fast changing understanding of this multisystem chronic condition.

Points Raised from your reply to my concerns:

1.      The program never mentioned the discredited PACE trial of this type of treatment and should have been used pivotal in the debate. It was published in 2011 and was hailed by the SMC and the UK media in general as successful, also funded by the National Institute for Health and Research and Department of Work and Pensions. It was discredited and could have shown the viewers more balance. None of the patient’s views or experiences of this trial; to my knowledge have been actively sought. Unfounded and exaggerated accusations towards severely ill patients have been made by those involved directly or indirectly with the trial, and most if not all have been unfounded. One such patient at great personal health and cost obtained the raw data from the PACE trial through a reviling court case, where the judge dismissed the many dispersion's by the two standing against the data release. The re-analysis by independent statisticians found the data to be fraudulent and that instead of the claimed recovery figure of 22% after CBT and GET, the actual figures were only 7% for CBT and 4% for GET. So therefore the PACE trial was null. This bears direct evidence for parents to base their informed opinion on, for the FitnetNHS trial, which seems to be more or less the same treatment.

2.      The findings of the Dutch study itself, which was quoted by Professor Crawley was inaccurate (66% of participants were said to be “cured”) because it grossly exaggerated and mis-represented the findings of its small trial (Professor Crawley dismisses other scientific provable studies, as irrelevant due to their size). This study forms the basis of evidence of efficacy, so should have been questioned. They purported there was a significant difference in school attendance at six months between CBT and usual care (75% vs 16%). They did not make it clear that children who stay at home to receive treatment are at a big advantage, as travelling and going to hospital can make ME sufferers relapse. The ultimate findings showed no difference at 2 year follow-up. The presenter did not question this and failed in her duty to mention the “recovery” were virtually the same as for the entry criteria into the trial. The two principal investigators of the PACE trial professors White and Chalder commented on that fact “recovery” criteria was liberal and “not stringent”, a point that patients pointed out on the PACE trial and were called vexatious. 

3.      Behavioural theories play a heavy part in Professors Crawley’s Protocol. This theory has been discredited and deflated to the point of not applicable by most in the medical community. This theory was also applied to the Gulf War veterans, who largely suffer the same symptoms, and in the beginning were treated the same way. The implications of the protocol weigh heavily on the mothers parenting style. In this regard the Dutch protocol calls into question “The fact that long term recovery was negatively associated with maternal focus on bodily symptoms could be seen as an indication that during treatment the influence of this specific predictor had not been adequately addressed. And goes on to say a “separate programme for the mother is needed”. This I find rather strange as the trial is child led, by them being involved and reporting on their symptoms? Would this emphasis be acceptable for other neurological conditions or other autoimmune illnesses?

4.      SMILE Trial was never brought up in the conversations, though this is based on the same principles of the FitNetNHS trial. Yet again Crawley weighed heavily on the intervention of mothers and never released the data to show evidence, just alluded to its outcome, that mothers were responsible for noncompliance. What is more probable is that the children were no longer able to take part. The harms, just a small mention of one child and one mother going to hospital, the information however ebbs and flows or gets taken down from the internet. This trial was based on the controversial Lightning Process. This withheld information could have helped mothers like me, to make a more informed choice.

5.      The protocol leaves the option open to question the mother's nurturing style. This should have been robustly questioned in the interview.  Why is the necessity of this over bearing importance on the mother in a curative treatment throughout her trials, when the child has a physiological illness and is why I mentioned Karina Hansen. As Mary Jane Willows (AYME) works closely with Professor Crawley and for Children and their families who have been persecuted in this way, I am very surprised this approach has been acceptable to both of them.

6.      You mention Lizzie Horgan; who I believe was on the Woman’s Hour program some time back, again with Professor Crawley, and brings into focus my main point. Lizzie is learning to live with a debilitating illness, she is not recovered. I would say Lizzie is a level headed individual who is resilient and a great advocate for the ME community.

7.      Diagnosis for this trial: Professor Crawley says is based on the NICE guidelines, but she omits the cardinal characteristic of Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM). This error by stealth has now transformed their prospective cohort into fatigue only. This will lead to confusion and make the findings null and void to ME sufferers. This does not give clarity to doctors, social workers, educators, or parent/carers and can lead to great harm.

8.      You mention Jane Colby; she was given a room with others talking and laughing in the background, which must have been very distracting to talk over as it was to listen to. I found that very disrespectful to a lady who tirelessly works to impart the truth to schools about this complex illness and gain some proper treatment for children with ME.

9.      There should have been another researcher or medical expert that could have given a balance to the debate. Dr Speight unlike Professor Crawley has helped many severely ill children with ME and it would have been most helpful to hear his views on this matter. Doctor Speight has given many talks on the subject of children with ME and was part of the group for the International Consensus Criteria, which is highly regarded by researchers in the ME field. He also understands the importance of PEM.

There are many more researchers in the UK such as Professor Newton, Professor Malcolm Hooper, Professor J Edwards (his open letter about the email sent by Professor Holgate shows how the disregard to ME patients, other charities and researchers, perpetrates through some medical circles, not however protected by SMC), Professor J English, to name a few. Unfortunately they have been hampered by many in the SMC, who have chosen not to report on their findings and on the biomedical pathology presented at the International Association at Fort Lauderdale October 2016

It would seem Professor Holgate's interventions through, amongst other measures, email against young researchers such as Keith Geraghty goes unnoticed. His treatment by some of those involved in the MEGA study has been disparaging over the last few years and you would have assumed a young researcher would have been actively sought and supported by those in the ME field. His efforts have been welcomed by the ME/CFS community and most charities.

10.  You say that the BBC cannot ignore stories like this, however you did ignore the bigger story of the PACE trial going to court and that outcome, and this shows a great deal of bias in your reporting. You also have neglected to report on the British Government becoming the first ever to be investigated by the United Nations for disabled human rights abuses. That it has condemned the “functional” assessments used by the DWP that were developed by the Wessley School using ME sufferers on the PACE trial biopsychosocial model.

11.  You never covered the question of not including the Karina Hansen story that broke at the same time as Professor Crawley came on the show? Neither did you address Sophia Mirza (whose autopsy showed physical problems), Emily Collingridge or Naomi Whittington and it has been brought to my attention of the court case of Ean Proctor. These four young women and young man, are worthy of a mention and to question treatment to illustrate the problems of over emphasising on the mothers input, and the problems that Tymes Trust deal with. They also prove what can happen if you push your body too hard.

12.  However it was the website references that you gave as evidence of a broad range of CFS/ME research that had me the most perplexed. It had just one biomedical study of old, one that show the difficulties that all research faces when trials go wrong, and two that show, the now discredited information about the difficulties the ME community possess towards researchers, which should be amended with some urgency. This I do not consider a balanced or unbiased view:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-31644618 One story to show biomedical research from 2015 which has moved on considerably and had very little relevance to Dr Crawley’s study. Furthermore, it was not an interview with the researcher herself and was given very little space, though I note you have a remark by Professor White who failed to mention his own study which pointed to the trouble sufferers have when traveling with increase of inflammation? Though I am no expert, I do feel this was relevant to Dr Crawley trial as I mentioned earlier about the travel:

Journal of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Vol. 12(2) 2004 http://www.haworthpress.com/web/JCFS  2004 by The Haworth Press, Inc. All rights reserved. Digital Object Identifier: 10.1300/J092v12n02_06

we found elevated concentrations of plasma transforming growth factor beta (TGF-ß), even before exercise, in subjects with CFS (median (IQR) of 904 (182-1072) pg/ml) versus controls (median (IQR) of 50 (45-68) pg/ml) (P < .001). Traveling from home to the hospital significantly elevated TGF-ß concentrations from a resting median (IQR) concentration of 1161 (130-1246) pg/ml to a median (IQR) concentration of 1364 (1155-1768) pg/ml (P < .02). There was also a sustained increase in plasma tumor necrosis factor alpha (TNF-cc) after exercise in CFS patients, but not in controls (P = .004 for the area under the curve), although traveling had no such effect. CD3, CD4 and HLA DR-expressing lymphocyte counts were lower in CFS patientshttp://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1300/J092v12n02_06

One about contamination and a retraction of the paper in 2011. I have no idea why you have given this as evidence of unbiased reporting,  as again it was not an interview and this debate again has moved on. Though if you had debated the PACE trial, which had similar problems I could have understood its inclusion. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-15017660

You have never mentioned one of the many important papers and would suggest how wrong it would be to do any form of extended or keep going life style. http://www.openmedicinefoundation.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/08/Naviaux-PNAS-CFS-Metabolomics-2016.pdf  

Maureen Hanson:

https://microbiomejournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40168-016-0171-4

Then there is all the work Fluge and Mella have been doing since 2011

The one about Tom Fieldings story that was given to him from the Science Media Centre, should have never been included. Dr Crawley admitted in a radio broadcast in July 2011 that she had not received explicit death threats but had misinterpreted one email to constitute a death threat and that her local police force had taken no action. Including this I find insulting to me personally, and to the ME community in general. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-14326514

These allegations were unfounded and should never be used against people trying to get to the hidden truth as regards to their very debilitating illness. In October 2016 they were dismissed by the judge at the First tier tribunal as “Without foundation” and “wild speculation”.  These were the same people that have continually been part of your news with regards to ME/CFS.  This type of tactic is used time and time again against all but a few that are protected by the SMC . I fail to see the relevance of the evidence you gave me of your unbiased interviews. To use the word Toxic in relation to any person, researcher or association is unprofessional and a strange term to use. It is unforgivable to use it when you know it to be untrue!

The last one was of the group of people you have reported on throughout your listings given and is very confusing. No coverage was given to any other professional with just a link to Prof Sir Liam Donaldson who states it is a “biomedical condition” but you have to press on the link which rather proves my point about your biased reporting? None of these are interviews or proper debates.

This was again an article by “By James Gallagher” and I think it would have been more appropriate if you had put in his: “The Inflamed Mind” BBC radio 4 program, can your immune system make you psychotic, as it seems to me this has more relevance to ME/CFS - as it would seem research is gaining more information and understanding on ME, it is looking more likely to be an inflammatory, autoimmune, and metabolic, dysregulation affecting the heart, putting the body in a dauer state. It saddens me our researchers have been held back by funding and more importantly support and less ridicule from the SMC is needed to carry these research forward in this country.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-14883651

13.  To openly say that the FitNetNHS trial promise recovery is in breach of many medical codes of conduct and to mislead patients by promising a cure when there is no such certainty, is in breach of the General Medical Council Regulations as set out in “Good Medical Practice” (2006) which was brought to my attention by the Countess of  Mar.

“Providing and publishing information about your services-paragraphs 60-62

60. If you publish information about your medical services, you must make sure the information is: factual and verifiable

61. You must not make unjustifiable claims about the quality or outcomes of your services in any information you provide to patients. It must not offer guarantees of cures”

This concludes my response to your points over my concerns

I would like to say why this matter is of the deepest concern to me. I am a mother of a 11 Year old boy who wakes up every morning as though lead fills his veins, the headaches are intense, nose bleeds, high and low blood pressure and heart rate, can black out when he sits up or standing still too long, unable to see, cognitive dysfunction so bad that he forgets his name or where he is. In short he is in so much pain and lack of cognition he has no life to speak of. He was 8 when he was rushed to hospital; no scans were performed and not many investigations. They ran through his history and when it became apparent that he had a virus of some sort, they just gave a diagnosis of somatisation/CFS.

After two years of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, where I was put under immense scrutiny and pressure for my son to recover and my son was told no one will take any notice of his symptoms, my son became withdrawn. I would say after his treatment by ill-informed medical professionals, his strength of character is immense, because he took his treatment on the chin. He never spoke of his increasing pain; he learnt to cope with it. This we found out later should have been taken seriously, and will possibly have lifelong consequences as it was a warning of things going wrong. ME, by the World Health Organisation is recognised as neurological disorder. Step back and think how this must feel for both him and me.

Our restraint and dignity I would suggest, far outweighs the behaviour of the doctors and researchers, SMC, government, MRC and the BBC that insist this is more a matter of mind over body.

He also had Graded Exercise Therapy, which to me in the beginning made perfect sense; you just have to gently get your body back into the swing of life, like any other illness.  But if you read up on sepsis, meningitis, diabetes, the symptoms and the way the heart is involved are connected. Not all illness give way to recovery. Your information does form doctors', educators', social workers' and people in general's understanding and directly influences people’s perceptions, as shown in the links you gave me.

We later found out that he had post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome (PoTS), undiagnosed from the very start and one of the 1986 ME diagnosis criteria by Dr Ramsey? Yet many doctors do not look out for or understand this when suspecting ME/CFS. However, this is not on the Oxford Criteria. If you look up PoTS on the NHS web site choices, you will find a connection to CFS. This is never mentioned by Professor Crawley? NICE guidelines also stipulate a heart monitor should be worn when exercising, I do not think Professor Crawley does this either and I would say this is a worry.

We also found my son was a Coeliac suffer, his reading for the protein was very high and as yet is not coming down enough to be measured on his blood tests. This would have done great harm to my son’s body and he has now grown 6cm in the last couple of months, showing his body was effectively being starved of nutrients.

To complain about these misdiagnoses and our treatment; I have been informed would put me under threat, mothers are accused of Munchausen by proxy. We cannot learn from these types of errors if we do not take account of mistakes. Reading the protocol of the FitnetNHS trial, and listening to Professor Crawley, it is hardly surprising mothers get blamed for their children not recovering. I would say that people misunderstand the seriousness and disability of ME. Over 200 families have gone through this with very sick children, who have been accused, and none have been found guilty. Yet no one ever looks into the behaviour of professionals as to why this happens to innocent families fighting against a chronic illness. Social services or education authorities are left making decisions with not all facts being put forward on the media of the medical understanding, and this why I mentioned Karina Hansen and Sophia. The public should be made aware of this.

Since Professor Crawley made her rounds on the BBC media circuit, many mothers have been harassed to send their children to school and several have been reported to the social services, this I feel is a direct response to your biased media coverage. If you look on the internet for information from the BBC it is clear what message you send out. The reporting is one sided and the truth scilenced.

As a mother you are not safeguarded and it would seem have no rights above the Doctors, educators, social services concerns over safeguarding your child, therefore no balance of facts. If the Doctor you are under does not fully understand your child with ME, and they write to the school stating your child can attend school for 5 hours a week, you as a parent have to comply. If you do not send your child to school for those five hours a week on a regular basis; as happens with children that are fighting this illness, then the school have a duty of care to inform the attendance officer no matter how they may feel about that child’s health or wellbeing. The attendance officer then brings in the school nurse and the social services and because of the misinformation and wrong impression of ME, they then put the child on a protection order. This whole process can take as little as 30 days. The police can break your door down and forcefully take your child away, without you being aware of any safeguarding issue.

Even if the mother has been proven not guilty by a court of law, most of the time the child is harmed by the process and foster careers not understanding this chronic illness, and in some cases they never recover. No one, it would seem, cares to look through the cases to find if the same doctors are making these mistakes many times with one particular illness. Neither do they review cases and make sure the child recovers, with some children getting lost in the system forever.

I hope the above information makes it clear why you should take the time to fully investigate, and that you have the facts, and I would respectfully ask you to make amends. To give unbiased and a balance to the behavioural interventions that you have promoted, and provide the same platform you offered Professor Crawley to those that have worked hard, and tirelessly to provide grounded and provable evidence of the biomedical problems and aetiology that is now emerging.

More importantly allow people who suffer a voice and not ridicule.

Kind Regards

Tina Rodwell

The Joy of Her

A while ago a very dear friend wanted some help writing down a story that contained her thoughts. She had cared for her mum through her illnes and as often happens when someone you love and depend on leaves you - so many emotions curl you up into a tight ball of sorrow, called grief.

Like the roses here (taken from Pearl's garden) as the tight buds opened up the beauty wrapped within the flowers uncurled, you could see the love blosom.

The Joy of Her

I see the joy of my mum in roses, her gentle ways, the way she wrapped us up in petals of love but I don’t think she knew how to nurture us as she nurtured her garden. I think that was our gift to her.
 
She was brought up in a time when no encouragement was deemed necessary I suppose, but it would have been nice to have heard the words ‘you did good!’ I sort of took it personally until I decided to plant the rose bush in celebration of her joy. I got to thinking; which is probably my problem of over analysing life, it’s the times we live in I think. We have to be accountable for each action we give a child these days, not the same for mum. She just wanted a family, it was enough and I guess we didn’t have to achieve to make her happy and being proud just wasn’t her thing, giving love was more my mum’s style.

As I dig the hole to bury the strong roots of the rose bush I have chosen and as I look at them I see my foundation from which my family has grown. Each branch strong and sturdy with shoots of beauty ready to flourish if I tend to them. It was then I understood why she loved gardening and arranging flowers so much. Lovingly you put everything you have into it, and at a distance – you admire. With us it was the same she watered and fed us, our every needs were met, and not until now – as my hands feel the earth have I given it a thought. She nurtured her grandchildren because she could not love them as she had us. She had to stand back and enjoy her love blooming through us to our kids. God I hope I can learn that lesson – how to back off and let my boys grow, enabling them to find their own roots so they too can bloom.

She had an acceptance in life that many of us take a lifetime to try to achieve, scholars spend decades trying to reach the Zen like state she found so easy. I’m not sure how deep the resentment of that quality goes actually. She had a profound inability to tell us off as children, I saw it as a weakness that always ended in laughter. Through her illness – that took her away from us bit by bit, she refused to try to understand it. That simplistic acceptance made me so angry at times. I now see it as a strength I envy.

Cooking, being with her family, holidays to Portugal, playing cards was her enjoyment but it was the looks and words she gave her grandchildren that was her joy. It’s what I miss the most and as I stand back and look on at all the rose bushes that glisten in the summers rain, for the first time I can see my glory. So why am I so angry? I have so often thought about this while in my garden tending my flowers and I think it was because I never told her or allowed myself to see it…. that I have finally seen and understood what she saw so clearly…. my beauty.

To Pearl and her family

X

I hope you  agree she did 'do good' and I'm very proud of her. Lots of love

Parallel Universe Part 6

Tomorrow will be the last part of Parallel Universe. Let me know if you enjoyed it  x

How on earth am I going to figure this one out? And why did he want to be part of our lives and why now? Why did he track me down and come and live a stones throw from my door? I have never been one for conspiracy theories but it was beginning to feel like one.

‘Should we ask the children what they think would be best? Ian suggested what I would’ve done in any situation like this. I couldn’t ask the questions buzzing around my head, I was too desperate for the right answers and I wasn’t sure I would get the ones I wanted. I could feel the pain of my heart breaking already.

‘Yes, I guess we should ask Sophie and try to explain to Henry. They could stay with my friends until I’ve decided what’s best.’ I was thinking out loud but the shift in the atmosphere caused a tension that vibrated through Ian. I prickled with irritation over not being brave enough. But the situation was diverted when I got a call from Sophie and Zara was bringing the children over on Sophie’s instructions.

I dressed with the help of Ian which was compromising and eventful. As he had packed my bag my, his intentions was leapt out of it. None of the comfy clothes were there. He defended his reasoning with that they were easier for me with a plastered leg. He examined each delicate item until he got a smile or a laugh from me. I would have preferred to slide down the stairs on my bottom but having a very nice dress on made that impossible and he conceded that perhaps it was a little intractable but enjoyable.

We were sitting in his large bright modern kitchen that still held the historical charm of the building when Henry came rushing in to find us. Excited and bemused by everything he saw which brought warmth to Ian’s face, it brought chills of anticipation all over me. Which object would he get a fascination with and break? As Sophie followed by Zara came in he asked the question…..

‘Daddy Ian what’s a bummer and can I see Harley?’

I choked on my coffee, Sophie uttered

‘Oh my god! You just can’t say anything around him.’ And Zara’s eyes nearly popped out with laughing.

I could have rushed to Ian’s rescue and explained about young children’s minds but it was too precious of a moment to spoil with common sense. I just looked straight into Ian’s eyes with the joy of the humour and let him find his own way out of this one.

He decided to skim over the “daddy Ian” bit and got to the ‘Bummer’ and to my surprise he knew what the little chap meant.

‘A Hummer is a big American car.’

‘Can I ride in it?’

‘If your mum says that’s ok.’ I nod my head at the two boys with exciting toys eyes.

‘A Harley is a motor bike’ Henry was beside himself with pleads that would not abate so Ian held his hand and took him off to show him his toys, explaining that they were loud, leaving Sophie, Zara and me to have a catch up.

‘Why is Henry calling Ian, Daddy Ian?’ Sophie looked down mortified

‘I was talking about my dad.’

It was the first time she had had a dad she could call her own and I just couldn’t rip that away from her but how could I stop Henry from getting the illusion of having a father figure back in his life. I could see the glassy tears start to form and my heart cracked a deep crack that only your child can give you.

‘I think Ian understands.’

‘That’s not the point Zara, I’m forced into a situation I didn’t want and I’m not sure I can cope with.’

She came around to me and they both put their arms around me and the tears fell from us all. We pulled away at the same time Sophie started to explain her and Auntie Zara’s cunning plan.

Zara was an interior designer and property developer with Ian. They had a few three and four bedroom houses for rent around Bury St Edmunds.

‘Zara said we could take one that had just come up for rent, fully furnished over Christmas rent free so we didn’t have to stay with Ian.’

Sometimes I thought I would burst with pride.

‘Sophie you can call him dad, we will just have to get to some understanding with Henry later ok?’ She nodded and I saw the tears well up again. I held her hand.

‘You would be doing me a favour as houses empty around Christamas can be a liability. Another good thing Mum doesn’t know about this one either so you will be safe…. for a while.

Can Henry call me auntie?’ I smiled and loosened the grip of control just a little more they obviously could sort things out well enough without me. Now how scary is that!

‘Of course he can.’

Rafe walked in and put his arm around Zara hugged her and came over and kissed me on the top of the head. Love oozed from them as I coloured a little after what I had said to Ian about him and as we discussed moving into the house I tried to get my mind around the ever shifting relationships. 

Parallel Universe 5

Fifteen years of responsibility came tumbling out, of not sharing the burden or the joy. In the time it took me to fall asleep I know I spoke of loss but they all merged and mingled. In the middle of his bed I lay alone as I had over the years. I took no heed over his pleads to console until exhausted I quietly slept.

Voices and the pain woke me and my eyes took a while to focus. I flinched every time I remembered some of what I had said last night. My innermost thoughts and concerns rang in my ears and the contortions it caused on Ian’s face. I had never vented those emotions to anyone before.

I had to decide quickly what I wanted to happen, what direction I wanted my life to take and how to let go so I could guide Sophie so that she wouldn’t get hurt. I tried to move but the pain was intense and I had no idea where the painkillers were.

I assumed that only having one leg incapacitated would mean the other three limbs would oblige and help me out but silken sheets were slippery suckers and before I knew it I was sliding onto the floor. Boobs slipping their anchorage just as the door opened and Rafe and Ian came in. My bottom half was cocooned within the bed covers and as I grabbed anything to cover my dignity I fell flat on my face.

They ran to my aid, rearranged and straightened me out.

‘I was looking for my painkillers, my leg woke up hurting.’ They both smiled down at me. Ian went to find them leaving Rafe to sit me down. The room was elegantly beautiful and I sat taking it in as Rafe fussed around raising my leg.

‘You ok, you look…’

‘Like shit? I tried to give myself cheep Botox on the floor but missed and enlarged my nose instead.’ His concern left as his humour took hold of his face.

‘I have to leave soon, do you need anything? I can call back’

‘I’m sure I do but I can’t think of anything.’

‘Well call me if you do.’

‘Would but I don’t have your number.’

He gave me a business card and we both felt uncomfortable, unsure. In came Ian and put a tray on a writing table.

‘Have you boys kissed and made up?’

They looked over to me and smiled. I took the tablets that were being offered. They started talking business and it transpired that Rafe was Ian’s agent. Ian held off two shoots that he was due to do this coming week rearranging and rescheduling. Squeezing my shoulders and kissing the top of my head Rafe left. Now life was complicated and shit or was it shitly complicated? No such word as shitly but in my world there should be!

Coffee with warm milk poured by the type of man I find irresistible in attitude and looks, first thing on a Saturday morning without the kids, oh how I had dreamed of that! Always be careful what you dream for is a warning I should heed. All my friends that were divorced, divorced their feelings towards their ex’s. I seem to indulging in my every fantasy. He sat there studying me as I sat indulging my daydreams, well lets face it, that was as far as it was going to go, I might as well enjoy it.

‘I know you are going to be sensitive to any suggestion I make and suspicious but I think the kids should live here over Christmas. They are off from school; you need a few days of rest and a bit of a recoup.’ His face twitched when he knew a sensitive subject was coming and as far as reading me he was doing rather well but like all men he didn’t see the bigger picture. I tried to keep emotion or thought out of my face.

‘What do you think?’

‘You just want the kids?’

‘No I just assumed you came as a whole package.’ A nice touch I though using Sophie’s words against me so softly and gently.

‘What about after Christmas?’ He was confused I enlightened him to my thinking. ‘After they have lived in this space and had the life you are willing to give them for a week, what then? How will it be for them when they have to return home?’ I knew there was no room for all of us back at mine but I was concerned how this would impact on the children, mostly Henry.

‘Henry is so very young to understand that his father dies and Sophie gets a new one who lives in a house like this. When they have got to know you, what then? I could never offer them a life like this and your mother will not be able to stop herself from reminding me of that!’ He could have defended everything a thousand different ways but he chose to agree with me. But it was his next statement that had me in turmoil.

‘I want to help out, I don’t want to make their lives or yours harder than it needs to be or has been. I’ll do what ever you think is best I just want to be part of your lives.’

Parallel Universe Part 4

As promised here is the next part. 

I sat on the edge of the bed as my ex-husband ranted and raved to his friend about keeping his hands off his wife. I couldn’t help the bubbles of giggles that erupted the absurdity of the man was amusing in a strangely perverse way. He had never shown that amount of feeling to me when we had been together. The idea that a complete stranger would find me attractive was a little silly too, did he not see that?

Anyhow if Ian had kept his lustful needs under control just a little he wouldn’t be in this predicament. This last point I think he must have forgotten. The fact that he felt he could still treat me as a position of sorts narked my sensibility so that my sensible side just evaporated. I felt my left eyebrow rise and my eyes widen. In the middle of his illogical argument he looked at me, I had the slightest of smiles that held his attention. Rafe followed his gaze squeezed me and got up to leave.

‘You don’t deserve her’ he looked over to his friend and then back at me ‘Will see you in the morning. Give him what he deserves is my best advice. There is a good man deep inside sulking’ as he walked past Ian he laid his hand on his shoulder. ‘It’s a good job I know you but she is a free woman so don’t screw around or you will lose!’

As he left the threat lingered on. Confused a little and loosing the will to think it through, a stiffening, starchy anger built up that erupted a little within my mind but exploded out of my mouth.

‘I want a drink.’

‘You can’t your on painkillers.’

‘It’s time I was taking some more so they are out of my system so it don’t count! I want a drink, wine would be good, whisky if I have to and then you can sit down and tell me what the fuck you think you are playing at.’

I never knew I could glare but it worked its magic and off he trotted with his good looks shining through. Bugger him!

I heard his footsteps as he came in with the wine in a cooler and as I lay on the bed he sat on the pillowed chair his feet on the sumptuous matching stool. I had braced myself and had thought of what I wanted to say. It was witty and classic, organised and grown up but that was not what came out of my mouth Oh no! What came out was truthful and childish.

‘Let me just get this off my chest before you explain yourself. You have no claim over me or my daughter. For one tiny sperm and one second of pleasure does not give you the right to take the last fifteen, nearly sixteen years away. And for your information I like sex! And I will have sex with whom I like. If you can fuck my friend when we were married I can fuck your friend when we have been divorced for the last sixteen years. Got it!’

There lingered for a time thoughts of retrospect on his lips but he swallowed them and took a big gulp of whiskey. I sipped the lush refreshing wine, composed myself and carried on.

‘Why have you moved here and did you track me down?’ With his eyes averted to his whiskey he nodded.

‘Why?’

He searched for words, ideas and reasons but he just shrugged his shoulders.

‘Just knew I had too.’

‘That is so typical and so selfish.’ I saw the pain and wondered why it was there. ‘I’ve had enough of today; I can’t be bothered with it quite frankly.’ He laughed a small ripple of a laugh that vibrated through the air and touched me ever so slightly.

‘Why the laugh?’

‘Because when you’ve had enough you just close down, because you can never stay angry for long. You are never bitter.’

‘You have no idea.’

I took another sip that was bigger than the last one and savoured its flavours, closed my eyes and took in a breath to heighten the taste. Tears for no apparent reason started to fall he made a move to come over to me and I held up my hand and stopped him. I didn’t want his comfort. Then it all came tumbling out.

Would you like to read the next part the more likes the faster I write :-)

Parallel Universe Part 3

We all visibly sighed, for different reasons.

‘She is quite a young lady’ Francesca turned bemused and looked at me. I took it as a compliment but too exhausted to really comment. Zara squeezed my hand, her eyes were electrifying and she made me smile a deep and proud smile that buzzed.

‘I’ll take mother’ as though her mother was a misbehaving child. ‘And ring you in the morning’ looking at Ian. ‘Do what your daughter tells you.’ She scolded Ian. ‘That sounds so good, doesn’t it? I’m an aunty!......Now look after Jane.’

‘I think I will have a coffee, one of those nice coffees please Ian, I just want a word with Jane before I go’.

Zara had come back in with their coats. Ian stood smiling at his sister and his mother, one of those smiles Henry uses when he finds me and Sophie funny. I could feel myself swoon a little with the fatigue a sharp look from Ian to me that was swiftly conveyed to his sister, who gently manhandled her mother out of the house with efficient ease. Ian bringing up the rear so that Francesca could not double back and escape her departure.

So here I was in that other place that I so could have occupied. With a broken ankle late at night with no change of clothes, not even a toothbrush, desperate to get home and in my own bed. I started to text David about the dog and one came straight back at me that I knew was from Sophie. David would never use ‘OMG’ and he wasn’t that fast at returning texts.

‘Would you like me to carry you up stairs?’

‘No’ Was my short and startled reply. It was an amusing idea though.

‘Do you think you could make it up the stairs with help?’

‘I want to go home.’ There was a longing in my voice. At this ungodly hour, on a cold and bitter night it was a silly idea, totally impractical. Ian picked up on the vulnerable need and we made it to the door without too much effort or problem but when he drove his vehicle to the front of the house, my will to go home fell like an icy cold waterfall. How the hell was I going to climb, with a plaster on my leg and in an increasing amount of pain into, a chrome fitted black Hummer?

‘You have to be kidding.’ His eyes were full fun! How could he do this to me after the day I have just had. Fun was not what I could cope with and as the tears started to form into dew drops he held out his arm and somehow I trusted him! Him, of all people in the world as soon as he pulled my arm and swung my body expertly as a fireman, he carried me to the Hummer like a sack of potatoes. Had I decided to wear trousers that day? No, Short skirt and red knickers! They cut my thick denier tights off.

I felt like those sack of potatoes being loaded onto a lorry. He was not short but neither was he very tall so as I slipped missing the seat by a few inches, he grabbed my arse to hoist me into the seat. With an innate reaction, I slapped him around the face. Fuelling my indignation and in his good humour he took the slap with a low rumbling chuckle. Loading me in was one thing getting me out was going to be another and then there was the fact he would know where I lived. Swimming thoughts, sickening feelings and the worst thing of all is that we only lived ten minuets away from one another. How had that happened, I would like to know!

His house was in the centre of historic Bury St Edmunds, a short walk to the shops but quiet enough to be enjoyable. Mine was a two up two down clipper house as our finances had tumbled through Bill’s illness; we had to move just before he died. I wasn’t ashamed of my circumstances but I didn’t want pity. But as we drove up to my home, his face held it anyhow.

‘Jane I can appreciate you would like to sleep in your own bed and you need a few things but…’ I knew before he uttered the words. ‘Don’t you think it would be best if I grabbed a few things and took you back to mine?’ I don’t think your leg would take me swinging you up your stairs.’

I closed my eyes determined not to let my dew drops fall, they abated after sensible thought. I handed him my keys. Looking reassuringly into my eyes and he squeezed my hand. He went in my little universe. I visualised him ransacking the pictures dotted around depicting my life with Bill and the kids, opening my intimate draws, finding private things about who I have become. His eyes would scan every detail with his photographers and philosophers thoughts rummaging through and finding out about me. I had started to shake, for the first time real sadness bubbled within me, why was life so cruel.

I had just started to find my feet, now there was the ironic joke but I had started to stand alone again. Bill’s illness and his eventual death was new, I still woke forgetting he was gone and when I started to think of all his needs my body would sink and then I would remember that he had slipped from me, I would, with relief take a painful breath. But me and the children were forging a life together and to have had that without other complications, just for a few years would have been good.

He emerged with Holly my sweet little shaggy dog. Who was sick every time we went out in a car! I thought of my book and the wine again and my collision with that other universe. He went back inside and emerged with a holdall Sophie used for sleepovers. Its pink and purple flowers were not out of place in his hands and I wish the years of pain that man had caused me would flood my indignation, as they did in my mind when I had visualised our meeting again. I felt nothing though just so very, very empty.

He was back in the car and we were off and my thoughts turned to how I could possible get out of the car by myself. People had gathered around the streets as Christmas parties had come to their climatic end. Great! With my short skirt, red knickers and bulbous painful leg, and on the other foot was high heel shoe entertainment for the crowds no doubt. To add to the torment a friend of Ian’s came over to find out the story behind the new lady. Slightly drunk he slapped him on the back ‘you found her then.’ He looked down to my leg and slightly puzzled, hazily processed the fact I had a cast on my leg ‘What happened to you?’ slapping Ian on the back again. Before Ian could explain, I without thinking remarked with a hoity shrug

‘I tried to run away but fell for him and broke my leg’ He immediately sobered and laughed. I liked his laugh, it warmed me.

‘No wonder he has been looking for you, I like you.’

‘I like you too.’

‘Do you think you like me better sober or drunk?’

‘Sober!’

‘Bugger, better sober up and I’ll see you tomorrow.’ He turned to Ian ‘You going to keep her?’

‘Rafe, would you help us out?’

‘With pleasure.’ His smile flipped my butterflies, enchanting my senses with his genuine pleasure at seeing me. Like a pair of crutches they helped me up the stairs with Honey in hot pursuit. Innuendos flew around as I was guided to Ian’s flamboyant bedroom and they sat me down on a Chaise Longue. Ian went to fetch the bags and Rafe kept staring at me in a very pleasing way. His short thick blond hair, stubbled chin and sparkling blue eyes played with my face lingering on my mouth and eyes. In his mid forties and slightly drunk, inhibitions were set free and instead of bravado there seemed an earnestness about him that I liked so when he came and sat next to me I started to gravitate towards him.  

Ian walked in with a face like thunder when he looked over to us both, but Rafe just smiled over to him and put his arm around me and tugged me close.

Rage is spontaneous and rather uplifting I thought.

Who is Father Christmas and Where do Fairies come from?

In-between ordering turkey and all the extras that go with it and doing my father Christmas stunt and I have to be honest I failed, (no not the turkey or though that may well be a failure come Christmas day depending if I’m floating my boat on Champagne, here’s hoping J) Nope it is much more serious my little boy wants a Batman Carve (and who wouldn’t?) And there is not one to be had L Well Amazon has one for £170 plus, normal price £45.

Now how do I go about telling him there is no Father Christmas and he just has mummy and she’s Pants!!!

I wrote a Children’s story that the agents thought was too sweet for the public. I however thought it was a great way of explaining how magicl people can be if a large dose of love is applied.

When I was little and my mum was tucking me up in bed, I would ask her-

“Mum, where do fairies come from?”

She would answer with a smile.

“They come from your heart Sweet Thing. When you are happy they pop out to spread a little of their magic all around us”.

“One day will I see them?”

“Perhaps you could Sweet Thing. They hide their shoes in nettles that don’t sting, and in the summer they sleep in dandelion clocks all snugly and warm, for you to make wishes upon?”

“How do I make wishes mum?”

“Blow the dandelion clocks gently Sweet Thing. Then the fairies wake up and make the seeds dance your wishes to the fairy princess.”

“Will the fairy princess make all my wishes come true?”

“Not all of them Sweet Thing, only the ones that will look after you and make your heart happy enough for you to sing.”

“Mum, do I have to blow them all?”

“Oh no! Sweet Thing, otherwise the fairies won’t have a place to sleep in.”

What happens when the dandelion clocks have all gone, and winter is here?”

“Oh, they run back to you and curl up in your heart Sweet Thing. It keeps them warm and gives you a happy magic to get through the cold and dark days of winter.”

“When will they pop out of my heart again?”

“In the light of spring sweet thing when you get full of the joys and the flowers are here to brighten up our days.”

“Do they leave my heart for good then?”

“Oh no! Sweet Thing. They don’t leave your heart for good, they just go to be free with the birds, butterflies and honey bees.”

“Why do the fairies go to be free?”

“To top up their magic Sweet Thing. When the sun shines and warms your heart right through and a smile is on your face, the sun then shines on the fairies and gives back the magic power the winter took away from them.”

“Where do they go, when they are waiting for the dandelion clocks?”

“They fly on the backs of butterflies Sweet Thing, and curl up warm with the honey bees, while they wait for the dandelion clocks to arrive.”

“Do you believe in fairies Mum?”

“Yes, I believe in fairies Sweet Thing. Every time you smile, I can see the fairies have been hard at work, spreading their magic.”

I would lay down my head and my mum would softly sing.

“Oh! My Sweet-sweet thing

How I love you so

From your fingertips

Right down to the tip of your toes

And do you suppose

The fairies know

How much I love you so?

Then I would close my eyes, with a smile on my face and dream of flying with fairies on the backs of butterflies

So we are the magic x

 As you rush around and about remember your loved ones smile and take a bit of Tilly magic with my love x

© Tina Rodwell