A tribute to Jim

When ever I have mentioned my brother’s suicide there are those who will tell me how wrong it was. Well I struggle with that sentiment.

My brother was full of life and capability stripped by his mental illness. We have a lot to learn about the inner workings of the chemicals released in the brain that induce conflicting thought and perceptions, one day; I hope, we will support those in this field and give these illnesses the credence they deserve.

The struggle Jim found himself with (As far as I understood it) was like an out of body experience. He had told me, just before his death that very often he felt as if he was looking down on himself while something else controlled his body and thoughts. He had researched the drugs and the effects and as a result taken his findings to a solicitor, reasoning that these drugs were to blame for the way he behaved and the ‘Stupid thoughts’ (his words not mine) he was having. He had convinced the solicitor and made us think too, about his treatment. The doctor he was under explained in simple terms, how Jim’s condition took hold and how the drugs affected and interjected his thought process which they hoped would pull him out of the deep depressions or the highs he was experiencing. I am forever grateful to that doctor who showed my family great compassion.

Though we stood firmly by his side I knew his struggle was monumental and it was crippled by the effect it had on those he loved, though our suffering was nothing in comparison with the one he went through daily.

I know he didn’t take into account the long grief stricken road his family would take, how could he? We all ride the wave of emotion in different ways and in this great fragmented country of ours we find it hard to cope with strong outpouring of emotions, preferring to keep them hidden and out of sight. I haven’t got a problem with that but we must learn to ride the wave and not suppress it, as these feelings can become a great big bully if we let them. Talk about what happens and not hide it, listen and not criticise or chastise, then grab hope and remember if we look closely enough, every problem has a solution; possibly not the one we would wish for, and sometimes you have to make do with what you have, after all, we are only human.

So on this night many years ago we lost my brother and Tilly’s Moments were borne. I vowed in that suspended moment of grief, I had loved deeply enough to live life for us both as best I could. To accept that I may not understand or agree with things as they happen but I would always carry my brother’s smile with me.

My Mum and Me

Muggy summer days

When the atmosphere is full of thunder

I pull from my heart my brother’s smile

With the song of blackbirds

Cutting through the melancholy air,

I close my eyes and see it there: -

His deep-broad smile

Upon that dimpled cheek

And his clear blue eyes

That still makes me weep.

I yearn for his voice

For his news and his thoughts

As I watch the thrush, sit upon her nest

And see the blackbirds pick

The worms that are the best,

I rest my thoughts for a while

And play in my mind a film of him.

As now I look out of my window

I see my son and daughter playing,

I can see us making up games

Our sounds

And I smile fondly,

As our mother must have done

Those years long since past

I try hard to listen to his sound

If I heard it, how would I be?

My love for my mother grows

Ever strong

With reluctance I carry on my day

I put back in my heart

What I had taken out,

And sealed it with a smile.

For though we have a pain

That

Follows us

We would not wish to have lived without.

Our thoughts now forged

Together

As one

My Mum and me x

So with a glass of wine I will hold it aloft and smile X